Monday, October 12, 2009

The day my life changed forever

We can say that about many days in our lives. The day we were married, the day our child was born, September 11, the day a loved one died. Our lives are marked with these days. Some are happy, some are sad, some are bittersweet. Some are simply indescribable; unfathomable to anyone who hasn't walked in those shoes.

October 12, 2007 turned into one of those days for me. We were preparing to leave with our best friends for a trip to Tennessee. We were going to spend the weekend in a cabin there to celebrate Matthew's birthday.

After some concerning events through the previous afternoon and night regarding my pregnancy, I went in to see my OB on the morning of the 12th. I had an ultrasound that revealed a teeny, but normal little baby. For the moment, my fears were somewhat calmed. I think in my heart, I still knew that things weren't okay. They also drew blood to check my HCG levels.

That afternoon, I got the phone call that changed everything. My OB called to inform me that my blood tests indicated that my pregnancy was terminating. I cannot describe the helplessness that consumed me at that point. The pain that pierced my heart was unimaginable.

The following days and weeks were some of the worst of my life. It was a difficult road to walk. I felt so alone. I was angry and hurt that God would let this happen to me. But like always, God has a plan.

I ended up meeting an amazing group of women who had also suffered losses around the same time as me. These girls have been wonderful blessings in my life, I still speak with them daily, and feel extremely close to all of them. The ties that bind us now are much deeper than the initial tragedy that brought us together.

The other blessing that comes from this is Eli. Eli wouldn't be here today if I would have carried that pregnancy to term. I am thankful everyday for the blessing that he is to our lives.

I will never understand why my angel was taken from me so soon. My heart will never be completely healed. But I have learned a lot these past two years. I am a different, and better person than I was. I have a deeper appreciation for the miracle of life, and a better understanding of just how precious and fragile life really is.

So today my prayers are with many of you.

To those of you with earthly children, hug them, tell them how much love them, remind them how precious they are to you.

To those of you who are pregnant or trying, my prayers are with you and your unborn children.

To my friends who have suffered losses, my prayers are with you. Always. We know that our angels were simply too beautiful for this earth. We know that one day, we will finally get hold our heavenly children in our arms.
I love you girls very much.
She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with Jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she's smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me
(Chorus from Alan Jackson's, "Sissy's Song")

1 comment:

  1. Stephanie,
    Thank you so much for the comment on my blog! It was very sweet. I am glad to have found yours...what a beautiful post!